It was...........

a very draining weekend....mentally and emotionally.  i decided that i would go for a drive with a friend and try to find some “decrepitude” to shoot.  That always cheers me up....Rural decrepitude....the textures and colors, aged wood and metal.  I love finding the beauty in it all.
After driving and stopping at various abandoned buildings, of the farm kind, i very nearly drove past a vacant house.  Old, with wavy glass in the windows.....and a for sale sign out front.  My car knows how to do a U turn just picking up my excited vibes, i am sure!
To make a long story short, as i was capturing an old canning jar with rusty lid on the peeling windowsill, she tried the door handle on the porch.....it was OPEN!!!!  To me that is like getting an engraved invite to the Prince’s Ball....no, even better than that!! She looked at me and as soon as she saw my face, she said “I am NOT going in there!”.  I smiled....”I am!” and i slipped thru the door like a wisp of smoke! She stood on the porch, but then i think decided she better not stand there attracting attention, so she followed me and closed the door.  It was decrepitude in it’s finest form....textures of peeling paint,..tattered wallpaper, vines growing INSIDE the windows, old light fixtures, a dead animal on the kitchen floor....(possibly Puxatawney Phil, but hard to say!)  
I must say, a day out in the country, shooting with a friend, finding a fabulous piece of decrepitude WITH an open door....there isn’t much else you an ask for.....oh, and i survived another mONDAY....most horrid day of the week!
i have included a shot or two of the wonderful decrepit things we found....but will save you the anguish of the deceased critter....whatever it is!
Have a bright and beautiful Tuesday.  i can’t wait for my Kim letter!!

Susan

Well, Helllllllllllo Friday!

The long awaited weekend has arrived.  yes, slightly premature, but well earned by all, i think.
I am not having the most stellar of days, as days go....but i am trying to breathe and focus on good things....positive things......and BREATHE, yes breathe deeply.  I am figuring out that there will be days like this...where i want to throw something hard and see it smash, and get all the frustration i feel out of me, where it belongs.  But, alas i am not a thrower...i am a need to breather....a keep myself in checker....causing me to need a hot stone massage and an advil for the headache that is sure to follow.  Perhaps i should take up kick boxing for days like this....
Having my whole day set off like this is SO unpleasant....the weather, altho warm for january in Jersey, is abysmal with rain and fog.  Not exactly a mood brightener, for sure.
Saving grace is, i met with my mentor last night for my business and we felt good about the steps i am taking toward growing..so there is a smile and a positive to tuck in my head.  Another is that i dug right into Kim’s homework challenge and felt pretty good about the results i got.  I tried two different styles of soft and dreamy....and felt i am making progress there too...altho my mac was giving me fits last night....needs a good clean out and backup i think.  Being so horrid at the tech part of all this, it prompted me to not procrastinate (as we have established, something i am VERY good at!) and make a One to One appointment with my favorite genius’ at the Apple store!

I am off to work...but will share with you here the results of yesterdays “work that seems like play session”.  I hope you enjoy these 2 distinctly different “soft and dreamy” creations! :)
Susan

Awaiting Anxiously.......

Sometimes i am bombarded with excitement genes, and getting all wiggly inside....other times i find myself suppressing them, and savoring them with quiet contemplation.  Today i am quietly contemplating.

i am by nature fairly patient.....except with myself.  (Thus the line of work i am in...children with special needs.)  i need to think of myself as one of them....not be quite so hard on myself.  step back and breathe.  let go of the frantic pace of the northeast where everyone expects results in a New York minute. (that NY minute thing reaches out like boney fingers, all the way to the far west side of jersey trying to grab me, and i continue to run from it!)

SO.... here i sit anxiously waiting for Kim’s next communication!  exited as a child in a candy shop for what she will toss our way next, and hope i am up for the challenge.  The 6 words was harder than i thought....and surprise....at work they are doing 3 words....ugh!  on a bad day i want to hand them the little paper heart with “Give me Strength”  or perhaps, “Wanna go home” or “Please send wine”! (but, i don’t drink wine... or much else, but it sounds right!)

Another sunny mild day here....as i sit and patiently wait!  Bring it on Kim....i am ready!
HAPPY bokeh Wednesday Hump Day to all!

New Week, New Challenge

....well, here we go! Last week the challenge of writing my story was quite a shock to me!  i was sure i could not do it, let alone even think of sharing it.  It gnawed at me.  i was sick....i was tired....i felt miserable....i procrastinated (i am REALLY good at that!).  i finally, out of pure boredom, logged onto Blogspot and figured out how to set up a blog space (a big achievement for this totally technology inept person) and i began to write....and write.....and write. Kim had created a monster!

This week, i open my Kim letter....i LOVE my kim letters :) ...and what do i see.....WRITE YOUR STORY IN 6 WORDS!!??  HA!  this should be a snap after last week!!  Here i sit....hours later.....waiting for the “snap" to hit!  "perhaps i am over thinking this”, hmmm, 6 words of why this might not be as easy as i thought!!

FROM EMOTIONAL SCARRING COMES MY STRENGTH
ok...not bad...how about
I AM GETTING BETTER EVERY DAY
I WILL NOT QUIT MY QUEST
I AM GOOD I AM WORTHWHILE
INSPIRE ME  LOVE ME  HEAL ME

Given time i think i could do this....i am no longer dwelling on what i could have been but rather what i WILL be.  I WILL BE PROUD OF ME.  I WILL KNOW MY SELF WORTH.
TO LOVE YOU, MUST LOVE ME.

dReAM...InSPiRe...cREaTe...SMiLe...lOVe...LiVE

I am moving forward, daring to chase my elusive dreams these days.  It is never too late to live a life of fulfillment and joy....DREAM BIG, FEAR NOT, JUMP IN!

Susan

Weekend Sweet Weekend

How i love the weekend! i am quite sure that most people do....but i REALLY do.  You see, i “herd eels” 3 hours a day, 5 days a week.  wiggly, squiggly, itchy-gitchy 5 year old to 7 year old bundles of relentless energy, known as SLLD Kindergarten students! The SLLD, stands for Severe Learning and Language Disabled....so there in lies the challenge! It is quite exhausting...3 hours would be like an 8 hour day to someone working in an office, unless they had the wicked witch of the west as a boss and an eel as an assistant, with perhaps one more as a secretary!
They are amusing, fun, frustrating, sometimes incredibly obnoxious, and other times over the top funny! Trust me, i could write a book!  Soooooo....by friday at 2:35pm, i am looking forward to my weekend of a little piece of quiet....unless of course i get to see Lileigh Grace....my little sweet bean of a grand daughter! THEN i am up for a bit more kid time!
The weekends are when i get to go out with my camera and find things to entertain myself with...altho in the winter i tend to hibernate.  i despise the cold and the “S” word!  I am keeping busy reorganizing my office, since beginning my photography business...realizing that is is a plus to have some sort of organization other than organized chaos!  i am pleased to say i am making progress in that regard...when i snap myself out of the procrastination.  i could win an award for procrastination....i have that down to a skilled science!

thought i would leave you with a photograph of Lileigh Grace, since she never fails to lighten my mood and put a smile on my face....hope she does the same for you!

Faux Friday...

that name just makes the week seem to flow nicely toward the actual Friday....eve of the weekend and freedom from eel herding at school.  For those of you that do not know me, i work 3 hours a day in an SLLD (Severe Learning and Language Disabled) class of Kindergarteners, aka eel herding!  They are slippery little critters and in 3 hours can cause you to go from perky to exhaustion! some days it takes significantly less time than that....today was one of those days!
Suffice it to say, i was really looking forward to regrouping and recharging, knowing that i still had to do my homework for the class i am taking. I am one of the relatively few people that LOVES editing, and i had some shots i had taken this morning before school that i needed to look through in order to do my assignment, before i crash for the night. i am still recovering from some strange energy snatching virus that hit me in the wee-smalls of monday night/tuesday morning, and continued thru Tuesday night.  I named it the “hit by a Bus Virus”.  Every bone i own was letting me know it was in there...there was no comfortable position to sleep in and i wandered through the house because only standing did i feel somewhat less pain.  Finally at around 4am i settled into the recliner with some blankets and fell asleep for...oh, a whole hour and a half! I did eventually make my way up to the guest room, which has THE most comfortable mattress on the old iron bed, and slept away most of the day....annoyed that i had to “waste” a sick day actually being sick!
i am delighted to say that tonight i am mostly feeling human again, and i had a great time editing and playing with my post for today, which you can see here on my photo’s page, or on my flickr page @   http://www.flickr.com/photos/captured_echoes/

Hope you stay well and have a fabulous friday.  The weekend beckons....do make the most of it!  i am supposed to go Seal Stalking but i have a feeling that mom nature has other plans! :)

HeLLo WoRLd....welcome to my blog....this is the story of me.....

My Story....
begins when i was a little girl.  All i ever wanted to do was sketch. draw, read and travel. I wanted to see England and be an artist Sketching and reading were so relaxing and peaceful to me.  i took every art class i could, and spent all of my free time during my summers off from school packing my lunch and walking to the town library to sit by the stream with my books or pad and pencil....taking breaks to watch the clouds roll by in the summer blue sky and dream of my future.  i was sure it would be one of artistic tranquility.

as time passed and i entered high school, i was viewed as a bit odd, and being awkward and shy, i chose to spend most of my time where i felt most comfortable and accepted.  That was "The Art House", an old Victorian house on the school grounds that served as the classrooms for all of the art they offered.  i continued to dream my dream.  i did not care to become famous....i just wanted to make art, and someday travel to England ....and then return to settle down in a cottage by the sea.

When it came time to choose my path after high school, i naturally announced that i wanted to attend art school.  At the time of that announcement, reality hit me in the face.  i was told by my parents that they would not send me to school to become an artist....that i could not make it as an artist and would never make a living.  i could choose to become a nurse or a teacher and they would pay for college.  to say i was devastated would be putting it mildly.  i was completely crushed.  from this, what i heard loud and clear was that i was not "good enough", and my dream exploded into dust....

i found a job, and was married by the time i was 20.....my dream struggling to come to the surface,  i began to take classes.  i worked about 40 miles from my home....woke early, fought traffic, went immediately to classes after work, until 10pm and then drove the other 20 miles home, falling into bed just before midnight to wake and repeat...wake and repeat....i was wearing myself out and burning myself out...and finally i stopped going...and pushed what was left of my dream to the furthest corner of my mind.  it caused less pain back there, nearly forgotten.

then came the purchase of a house, and four years after that the babies began...and with 3 little ones under the age of 4, i rarely had time to pull out and dust off the dream, so it mostly lay forgotten....or so i thought.
i dabbled in art....learned some woodworking, and made little things and painted after tucking the girls into bed. Nothing other than some sanity saving for me with 3 little girls and a husband consumed with building his business and rarely home.

i gradually began to meet people in the neighborhood.They wanted to know where i got the "cute" decorations in my house, and they were surprised when i said i made them.  They began to order them....for themselves and as gifts and i began to think again about my dream.  i worked slowly and steadily for 16 years building a cottage business that was seasonal...but mine.  i was delighted....and then life through a curve, and 7 years ago i had a choice to make.  My sister in law had just lost her mom to ovarian cancer....her dad was 20 years older than her mom and would be of little help....she was carrying twins.....and they decided they were not waiting for their due date of Nov 24th.   they arrived on September 26th, one 2 lbs and one just about 3lbs.  They were in the NIC unit until Thanksgiving.  i cancelled my boutique and went to the hospital and learned to become an "alternate care giver" for the 3 little ones. my dream again put away.

my girls were older now...17, 19 and 21.  Altho they needed me somewhat less, they still needed me more in other ways.  it was not until they went off to college that i decided it was time.....for me.  for the me that i lost a long time ago.....the me buried in the back of my mind.  the dreaming me.  plagued with under-confidence and the feeling of not being good enough to make a go of what i held dear to my heart, i decided to experiment with photography.  i was encouraged by my cousin, living in Galveston, and now deceased, well before her time. I began to share with her the photos i took and she began to give me the push i needed to go on and learn more....and thus my obsession was born and my dream of doing something with art was renewed.

I began to, quite shyly, give gifts of my photographs on cards or small matted prints to teachers i worked with for birthdays and such.  More and more, they would come to me and say "WHY ARE YOU HERE?!? ","You should be doing something with your work!"  i was encouraged....but still under-confident in my abilities.  i told myself that they were just being nice.  Several of them began to request photographs to go along with lessons...and began to tell others.  i began to have a slight feeling of "maybe i should be pursuing my dream and doing what i love so much."

at that time, i began to throw myself into photography, and learning all i could take in.  It gave me such a feeling of happiness and achievement.  I found i loved learning, and that as bad as i am in math, i was able to figure things out by thinking of them in a non numeric way.....all that ISO and Aperture stuff began to scare me less and intrigue me more!  As i began to grow and blossom into someone other than a wife and a mom, the home-front i began to experience some problems, with a husband who seemed to resent the me i was becoming.  i am determined to continue to grow and become a person....me....for i have always been only a wife and mother in everyones eyes it seems, including mine.  I need to have a me....and i am just learning how very important that is.

SO...here we are.  i am on my third class with Kim.  I now have my LLC and am a business woman, with my own business!  i still have a ways to go ....but the confidence is growing and i am starting to slowly book portraits and events and i am delighted!  my goal is to continue to grow and surround myself with my dear and supportive friends, who mean the world to me!  My story is not nearly done...i am writing my next chapter....always.

What is the best picture you have taken?  the answer is "the one i will take tomorrow!"

Susan